constipated mammoth

How do you fill a bagel sized hole on the internet?  How many holes are there in a bagel sized hole anyway? If a Peter Crouch falls down in a forest, can Harry Redknapp hear him? If you keep Jermain Defoe in the box, is he offside even when it’s shut?

Many have devoted their life to finding the solutions to these age old problems, but no-one really knows (except for the last one – yes. Yes he is).  But sometimes you’ve got to stop thinking  and get doing, and there comes a time where an oog’s gotta do what a oog’s gotta do. In this case he’s gotta write a blog about his football team – there just aren’t enough of those out there already.

For those of you who may not know  – was a blog my friend the bagel used to write about Tottenham. But after a few years the bagel (the man) outgrew the bagel (the blog) and selfishly prioritised things like a career, and a family, and a life. Loser (unless he starts feeding us some crumbs in the comments section in which case all is forgiven). I contributed one post, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and a work-disciplinary sized amount of comments to that blog. When the bagel became toast, a poppy seed had been sown in my head…

So now, after the gestation period of a constipated mammoth in super hi-definition slo-mo, here it is. Ladies and gentlemen – welcome to “coconuts and alcohol”!

Yeah… that name, huh? I first seriously thought about starting a blog six months ago. Up until about a week or so ago, all I was actually thinking was “what do I call it?”. I was toying with IblameJenas, chickenbagel (“it’s what you go for when there’s no beef bagel”) and oogblog (yawn). In the end I’ve settled on something that has absolutely no connection to football whatsoever. So it might be confusing, irrelevant and rubbish, but at least it won’t date. Please feel free to annoy me by suggesting much better titles. But let’s move on maaaan, just favourite it if you feel so inclined and you never need to think about it again.

After I realised that choosing a name was procrastination pure and simple, I sat down and wrote a few hundred words about the world cup. But I hadn’t worked out how to actually set up a blog yet so now it’s yesterday’s news .  Half of it was a bordering on homoerotic declaration of manlove for the two headed mental genius of Messidona. You’ve probably lucked out that it won’t ever see the light of day.

And in any case, this is a TOTTENHAM blog.  World cup shmorld shmup . I should probably set out my mission statement but obviously I don’t have one. I’m not looking to become a source of Tottenham news, although I’m sure some will be rehashed here. I’m not going to promise match reports because otherwise I have a feeling Spurs games will become a bit of a chore.  I’ll write them as and when I can be bothered, but I’ll try to keep this blog updated pretty regularly. For the record, I’m a shelf side lower season ticket holder, a loyal spurs supporter who goes to every game except almost all the away ones and the ones that clash with my holiday in Malaysia – which means the first 4 or 5 games of the season including the CL qualifiers – doh.

One way or another, by the time I get back, there will be more to talk about than the really dull friendly against Benfica that I’m half watching on ESPN as I type this [update – it got slightly better]. And until I go, I’ll just try to add a couple of posts to see if any of you are out there [update – second post already written but I’m going to wait a few days – expect an out of date list of schoolboy jokes about Young Boys Berne Thursday or Friday] – everyone, please contribute otherwise I’ll be like Crouchy all alone in the woods, sans nachos. If this blog has a point, it’s to have fun in the comments section so don’t be shy. Raise whatever issues you want. Vaguely Tottenham related in general, but feel free to drift into other territory if you feel the urge. And non Tottenham fans are welcome. Even Arsenal fans.  Just be nice,  y’all – my dad will probably be reading. And I’ll censor you if you are really out of order. Or perhaps I won’t. I really haven’t worked it out yet. So there.

I’ve got to admit, I just can’t get excited or angsty about who we will or who we won’t sign. I used to scour the papers, or in recent years newsnow, all summer long to find out about transfer targets. Ok I still do, but somehow I don’t find myself dwelling on it in the way I used to.  So once we’re out of this weird pre CL qualifier post world cup limbo state, and once I’m back from my hols, I’ll get cracking properly. Really. I will. I promise.

So enjoy it, and if you don’t– then remember – I blame Jenas!

That was going to be my catchphrase.



17 responses to “constipated mammoth

  1. I’ve been itching to chat spurs online, Ogg. Really glad you’re up and running on this. You’re a man of sense and I’m looking forward to reading your words of just as a high a calibre.

    While I was panicking after the draw on Friday about the astroturf and the fact that the Young Boys had a running start with their league campaign kicking off back in July, you sent me a simple mail asking if I’d have rather we pulled another name out of the hat instead. In short, you don’t sweat the small stuff, and I like that. So, can’t wait to appreciate more of the wisdom on these pages. Now that the love in’s over with…

    …you may not be hanging on every headline at the moment, Ogg, but I am. It might be something to do with looking for an excuse to take my eyes off what I’m supposed to be doing between 9 and 5 but I’m glued nonetheless.

    So, can you think of any other striker out there that’s going to work for us, and we’re going to be able to get hold of? Whether or not Bellamy’s coming, we’ll still be after a poacher. I can’t think of anyone other than Huntelaar. Is there anyone else out there? Kenwyn Jones didn’t look up to much against us last season, from memory. Don’t suppose Bobby Zamora would come back or be any good if he did. Kevin Doyle? Or am I just grasping at straws here?

    The question that keeps going round my head is – is this what it’s like to be Liverpool? We’re in a position to be buying big players now but there are fewer of them to choose from, and, when you do finally find one that’s up for leaving and their club up for letting them go, they’re more likely to go Man U, Barca etc? Is this why Liverpool just ended up buying the first person that scored a goal in each World Cup before anyone else could only to sell them on to Bolton for a quid when they turned out to be a turd? Come to think of it who did score the first goal in the World Cup?

    Siphiwe Tshabalala, apparently. Try and fit that one into a song. The only trouble is that he’s a midfielder. Sounds about right, then. Anyone else any better ideas?

  2. Bagel, good to hear from you, its been too long!

    This summer has been pretty bare even in terms of the speculation. There just aren’t that many players out there. For what its worth I would be very happy to see Bellamy at the lane. I’m prepared to put up with his potty mouth and erratic golf swing because I think his raw pace is still one of the most devestating weapons in the premiership when he’s fit. A short term option, but a good one when fit.

    As for strikers – I’ve never seen Jones as an option. Doyle could quite possibly step up but is he any better than what we’ve already got? I don’t think so.

    Of course I would like to see us in a position where we can adopt 4-5-1 because as everyone says “thats what you need in Europe”. But actually 4-5-1 is what you need to be able to play at times if you have genuine ambitions of winning the Champions League. I don’t see that as realistic for us! To me the CL will hopefully be a thrill a minute joyride that we need to make last as long as we can, but the real point of this season is doing well enough in the league even with (we hope) that major distraction to try again next year.

    So, for sure, lets splash out on quality if its around, but in a season where 25 players is the maximum in the premiership, we’re probably not far off having as good a squad as most teams outside of Chelsea and Man Utd and City of course. It’d be nice to add to it, but if no-one else does either (the odd Joe Cole or unknown French defender aside) I won’t be too worried about the season to come.

    As always, I’d like us to sign up and coming players. Pay big money for guys with clear potential in their early 20s who are ready to have an immediate impact – a Modric style signing, rather than a Raul or a 16 year old wonderkid, I guess. But then – who wouldn’t want their team to do that? It just seems like the quality out there and available to us isn’t any better than what we already have. In that kind of market, maybe all we can do is bulk up our squad with a Bellamy here, a new central defender (as always) there.

    And its easy to forget Sandro as well. New signings are boring when we signed them months ago!

  3. So how about an Ashley Young? He seems to fit into that middle bracket so long as last season wasn’t a flash in the pan – and there’s no reason it should have been. That certainly would be some kind of selection headache if all were fit – Bale, Lennon, Young and maybe a Bellamy and/or Dos Santos.

  4. Bugger me – apologies oogfather – O’Neill has just resigned –,19528,11677_6303051,00.html

    Prepare for Milner sale. Abandon ship Aston Villa. Bet Liverpool and Fulham are gutted.

  5. YOU HEARD IT ON COCONUTSANDALCOHOL FIRST. Or at least, I did – cheers Bagel!

    Quick prediction: Aston Villa seem happy with fifth as their goal – Martin Jol to the rescue!

  6. Hopefully not in time to stop us sweeping in for Young and one of their rock solid defenders – even Richard ‘Yes, I did east all the pies, and the cakes, and people who made them and their pets’ Dunne.

  7. Well… its too soon to say why this is happening but it can’t just be because they are going to sell Milner. O’Neill is a clever man, he must know that’s just a fact of modern day football. It must surely be about how much of the Milner cash he will get to spend. And if his reaction to the answer is to resign, then whoever they bring in (and Mark Hughes must be feeling ever so slightly sick right now) isn’t going to have cash to splash. That can only give out bad vibes. Bad vibes equal wantaway stars.

    Yep – Ashley Young please. We’re also always being linked with Agbonlohor. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. We may be vultures but the until we hear more its possible villa are still twitching…

    100 hits on the first full day and counting thanks folks!

  8. Oddly Shaped Norm

    And here was me thinking that Haringey Rhinos RFC was the pinnacle of North London sporting prowess. I saw Linford Christie at Haringey Sports Centre on WHL once, he was running quite fast. From what though I don’t know. Probably the clientelle of the local Whetherspoons. During my time south of the border I lived for a spell in that strange sub-culture between White Hart Lane and Highbury known as Wood Green. For some reason everyone who lived there supported either Manchester United or Norwich. Or was it Brazil? Someone in yellow. I did once see an Oriental man in a Glasgow Rangers top in Palmers Green and as I approached him to say something in my native dialect I noticed that he looked a bit confused and smelled a bit funny, and on further inspection the top he was wearing was from the 1986/87 season and was, I surmised, almost certainly not his due to his sporting allegiance. I did also notice as he toddled by that none of the what seemed like several million Irishmen in the district were hitting him with anything other than a casual glance. It’s a funny old game. Danny Dyer said so in his video so it must be true. So as resident rugby player who knows very little about football other than Rangers/Celtic/Partick Thistle I’ll be chiming in with some ill-informed and utterly predictable nonsense to make you Association Rules followers roll your eyes and wonder why William Webb-Ellis wasn’t given the birch until he promised never to touch any sporting equipment ever again.


  9. Welcome OSN, I suspect you know more than you are letting on about proper football, so I doubt any nonsense will be ill-informed or predictable. One issue I’m bound to touch on at some point is the respect agenda – how referees are treated, the feigning of injuries etc. I’m sure a rugby perspective will be useful then. I haven’t got the heart to revisit those themes just now. Lets wait until three minutes into the first game of the season when I’m sure the first of a thousand ‘controversial’ incidents will give me an opportunity to bang on about one of my favourite topics!

    This O’Neill thing seems to be panning out just as we might have suspected. It’s about ambition and transfer funds. I like MON and I can see it from his perspective – whats the point in competing with Everton (and us – one season of 4th does not mean we’re forever a level above) every year to come 6th when you feel you have a real top job in you and should be competing for trophies?

    But I can also see it from Lerner’s angle. What’s the point in pumping another £100 million into a club when the first £100 million has achieved an initial uplift followed by three years of treading water? Can you really blame one of the more enlightened owners for being, well, enlightened enough to see that it’s a mugs game (unless you’re basically an oil state looking for a marketing and ‘brand’ recognition boost)?

    So the managerial merry go round starts spinning before the transfer trickle down effect kicks in. Like I said, I bet Mark Hughes is kicking himself, and who knows whether Martin Jol fancies cementing his reputation as the go to man for getting English teams into the secondary European competition. But what does Mark Hughes want from his managerial career? Does he think he’s going to get another shot at a big 4 team if he gets Fulham into the top 8? top 6? He’d have to be very very lucky for that to happen. Roy Hodgson got lucky but RH has way more experience than Hughes at top clubs and Liverpool were in a very specific situation. The only chance these guys stand is to go to a club that then gets taken over by a gazillionaire – and then their face never fits and they get shafted as Hughes did at Man City.

    So you could take the Mark Hughes route and manage Fulham, or you could tread water at Villa. Or you could be a Steve Bruce – established as a safe mid table man, lolling around in premiership limbo, forever doomed to signing Lee Cattermole or Titus Bramble because they’ve got good premiership experience. But if these guys have genuine ambition – of getting a big 4 club, or of just winning things – I’d like to see more of them do what Steve McClaren is doing. He’s just won the Dutch League, and his reward is to get a shot at the Bundesliga title with Wolfsburg. If he does well, then he’s far more likely to get a shot at the Man Utd or the Arsenal job than the man who gets Blackburn 8th, or Stoke 10th, or Aston Villa 5th. Or he wouldn’t be if he wasn’t damaged goods from his England days, anyway.

    So go on Martin – take a job at a mid level Italian team, or a top Dutch one, or a top half German team, any of whom have a more realistic shot at Champions League and trophy parades than all but a few Premiership jobs.

  10. Well I am still toying with spurs playing with young Swiss boys and what the tabloids will make of that, I suppose it puts John Terry in perspective. spurs should have purchased Aidan Mc Geady, he is like Lennon but plays every week. (I was going to honest Aidan)
    Not being a spurs fan but having a distant affection, John White, Greaves, & Gilzean were a part of my youth and anyway no one should like Arsenal on principle but why does ‘arry interest me . He seems like every used car dealer that has ever been potrayed but anyone who can answer his mobile live on telly with “leave it off Sandra I’m on the box.” can’t be all bad.
    Wwhat will the Champions League make of Spurs, well lets hope the group stages beckon, at least they will not bore, their songs are better than most Premier clubs and they are not Chelsea or Arsenal. I have a bit of free time so if I can help. MON

    • Can’t agree with you Brian about McGeady, except that his fitness seems better than Aaron Lennon. But without being too disrespectful of the SPL (for I suspect the oog himself may have Scottish roots) I recall that Hopeless Hutton – albeit on the other side of the pitch – was one of the outstanding full-backs of recent years. Has McGeady ever done the business in Champions League or international competion?

  11. Hooray for oog and the return of quality spurs blogging. As a writer he is the equal of The Bagel, but is he as sick and perverse? Only time will tell.

    What would people think of Gallas joining spurs? Good defender but a poor excuse for a man.

  12. I’m so excited about this new blog – and about the new season. OK, so there’s the usual doubts but come on, after a frankly shambolic World Cup, I’m looking forward to following a team I REALLY care about – even it goes tits up, we’ll still love the Spurs.

  13. Bascially, Gallas can fuck off!

  14. A great big “Yidos Yidos Yidos” to you all, especially those form the Bagel days.

    Thanks oog for getting this think up and running.


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